Everything You Should (and Shouldn’t) Say to Your Ex During a Divorce

Breaking up is one thing, but divorcing? That’s next-level emotional gymnastics. One minute, you’re cool, collected, and borderline enlightened. The next? You’re three seconds away from sending a regrettable text about how you “wasted the best years of your life.”

Divorce is already messy, but what you say (or don’t say) can make it infinitely better… or way, way worse. So before you hit send on that rage-text or blurt out something you’ll replay in your head at 2 AM for the next five years, let’s go over the dos and don’ts of divorce communication. Because let’s be real—this is already a rollercoaster. No need to make it a full-blown disaster movie.

(And if you’re feeling lost in the legal side of things, Tailor Law offers expert guidance to help you navigate the process.)

What You Should Say to Your Ex During a Divorce

1. “Let’s keep things as civil as possible.”

Translation: I don’t want to fight with you like two raccoons over a piece of pizza.
Even if your ex is giving villain origin story energy, keeping things civil is going to save you time, money, and your last remaining shreds of sanity. Set the tone early. You don’t have to be besties, but mutual respect will make the process (slightly) less awful.

This resource offers guidance on keeping communications brief, informative, friendly, and firm to minimize conflict.

2. “I’d prefer to communicate through our lawyers.”

If things are tense (or if your ex treats every conversation like a courtroom drama), it’s okay to limit direct communication. Lawyers exist for a reason—let them be the buffer so you don’t end up in a text war over who really bought the air fryer. This is also the stage when consulting professionals who specialize in divorce and separation legal services can help you navigate communication boundaries and avoid unnecessary conflict.

3. “Let’s focus on what’s best for the kids.”

If kids are in the mix, they’re the priority. Not your lingering resentment. Not your ex’s inability to load a dishwasher correctly. Not even the fact that they definitely borrowed money from you and “forgot” to pay it back. Co-parenting requires teamwork, and that means keeping conversations child-focused, even when emotions run high.

4. “I need some space, so let’s set boundaries.”

Healthy boundaries = survival. Maybe you don’t want daily check-ins. Maybe you need to limit conversations to emails. Maybe your ex still calls you by that cringey pet name, and it’s time to put an end to that. Be clear about what communication works for you and stick to it.

5. “I appreciate the good times we had.”

Okay, this one isn’t mandatory. But if your divorce isn’t a full-blown battlefield, a little acknowledgment of the not-terrible moments can go a long way. Even if all you can muster is, “Well, we did pick a cute dog.”

What You Should NOT Say to Your Ex During a Divorce

1. “I never loved you.”

Sure, maybe you feel that way now, but come on. Even if your relationship ended in flames, this kind of statement is unnecessary and (let’s be honest) probably untrue.

2. “I hope you regret this for the rest of your life.”

Listen, karma will do what karma does. You don’t have to personally deliver the message.

3. “Let’s get back together.” (Mid-divorce panic edition)

Unless this is a mutual and well-thought-out decision, backpedaling mid-divorce usually ends in disaster. It’s normal to feel nostalgic, but remember why you’re here in the first place.

4. “You’ll never find someone better than me.”

Maybe true, but saying it? Not a good look. Let them figure it out on their own. The American Psychological Association offers guidance on managing emotions and maintaining constructive dialogue during this time.

5. “Good luck without me!”

They probably won’t say it out loud, but your ex will take this as a challenge. And when you inevitably see them thriving on Instagram a year later? Oof. Let’s just not.

The Bottom Line

Divorce isn’t fun, but how you communicate through it can make all the difference. Speak with clarity, set boundaries, and resist the urge to send that one last emotionally charged text. And if all else fails? Take a deep breath, vent to your friends, and remind yourself that you’re about to enter an exciting new chapter—one where you never have to deal with your ex’s bad habits again.

Now, go forth and handle this like the emotionally evolved human you are (or at least pretend to be).